Saturday, February 9, 2013

4 Dangerously Fun Things For Cynical Singles To Do This Valentine's

The month of February is notorious for bringing the most despised holiday of single people. It is especially annoying for people like me, as we get tormented annually for being single since birth. Somehow, that makes us complete failures as far as society is concerned.

While I don't really mind people's assumptions of me having a dark, gaping void in my life, I do mind the ridiculousness of some people who have an unnatural amount of enthusiasm for V-day. You know those types; people so unabashedly proud to not be a societal "failure" that they just have to obnoxiously broadcast how utterly, genuinely, incomparably happy they are.

Now I know this sounds like the bitter confessions of a loveless, soulless bastard, but hear me out. I can't be the only one who wants to...

1. Throw Up at Lovers Who Wear Couple Shirts 
Really? REALLY?!
Whoever thought of this abominable concept should be shot. In the head. With a bazooka. To this day, I am baffled as to why there are still people who support this crime against good taste.

I suspect that the very people who make this shit probably have the same post-completion guilt as a hooker who agreed to perform ATM. Don't ask what that is. Just know that it is disgusting, and that no amount of cleansing could possibly wash that feeling of indescribable filth.
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