Let's be honest for a while. No matter how much we claim to live life in the moment, without regrets, we have all spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what could have been. I am of course talking about the what ifs. And in my case, never has there been a period in my life quite like the past few days and months that have made me ponder on these matters quite as frequently.
I'll start at the underlying causes. The proverbial spark to these questions first emerged from a failed job interview. (Don't worry, I've moved on and won't bitch out about it here.) The interviewer left me with a thought provoking statement that sent a flurry of activity running wildly across my brain. What if she was right? What if I'm only being a writer because I'm pretty much a failed visual artist? What's so wrong with sticking to my strengths? These are only a handful of the questions I've been asking myself ever since.
|YOU HAVE NOT BROKEN ME.|
But as I've stated earlier, the events that transpired that certain morning was only the spark. Somehow, I've always known that I was not completely convinced in the path I've chosen in college. The sad part was, I chased it. I wanted to enter it so bad, I transferred into that course. I was convinced I would shine there. And to some degree I did. Just not the way I thought I would. Funny how life turns out, eh?
Let it be clear though, that I have no regrets whatsoever about the choices I've made thus far. I have learned a lot and befriended many, and those alone are a great enough compensation for the trials I've faced. Which brings me to another what if moment. Remember, the only reason anyone learns anything and meets certain people is because they were there at a certain place at a certain period of time. Lovely as these friends are, and as great as the things I've learned have been, how different would everything be if I had gone to a different course? A different school? The only constant in these imaginary scenarios is me. And that's not saying much, cause we are all shaped by our experiences and interactions.
|Really not that hard to imagine myself in there.|
It's nice to wonder about these things, but I know that ultimately, it's pointless. I am who I am today through no one's actions and reactions but my own, whether it was apparent during that time or not. For better or worse, at this moment, I am this cynical, near faithless, slightly jaded yuppie. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just who I am today.
But talking about the what ifs, how about something closer to my current reality? Last Monday, at my first day of work, I received a text from the company I first applied for nearly 5 months ago. They were asking me to attend an interview for the next day. Which would've been fine, except I was already employed. Oh yeah, and the fact that they did not contact me for 5 FREAKING months. If I did that to my dog, he would've bitten me upon my arrival, shit on my carcass and slept on it the same night with no worry. But since I'm not my dog, I opted to reply with a very formal no thank you kind of message, and ended up ruining my mood for the next hour or so.
It just sucked so bad for them to think they could simply pull that kind of crap and expect me to just go with it without a hitch. It sucks even more to know that I genuinely wanted that job, despite it being farther away than my current one. But what really bites me is that I still keep thinking about the what ifs concerning it. What if they texted a week earlier? A month? Would I have swallowed my pride and let the bygones pass? These questions just won't stop coming back to me. And I suspect they'll keep doing so, if my current path remains unaltered.
But enough of that. Fortunately, I haven't lost any of my dangerously meager optimism, for today is pay day, and there's a mall-wide sale. Thank the powers that created retail therapy!
|I'd look something like this, if I were a girl, Caucasian, and had a bigger pay grade.|
So for now, I end this post with no form of resolution or closing argument. Just a question. Does anyone else feel like I do?