Saturday, October 27, 2012

The 6 Biggest What Ifs In My Life (So Far)

4 Years in CFAD, and this is what I managed to make.

Everyone has things they wish they did or didn't do. Or qualities we wish we had or didn't had. And though I don't like to dwell on the "what ifs" and "what could have beens", it still is fun to speculate. This activity is by no means productive or beneficial to anyone, but then again, it's undeniably fun, a bit shameful and completely self-serving (well that sounded a bit too close to jerking off).

Since this blog has been solely dedicated to my self-important opinions, I see no harm in adding yet another one. So for your (but ultimately, my) reading pleasure, here are the things that plague my head when I'm having trouble sleeping.

1. What if I had been more outgoing as a kid? 
        I would probably be less of a worthless trivia guy and more of the all around great guy I constantly strive to become. But then I would probably not have discovered the joys of reading a good book, or realized the amazing power of my boundless (but rapidly deteriorating) imagination.

2. What if I had discovered sports sooner?
       I would still be a suck-ass athlete. But at least I might have managed to snag a girlfriend. Or be a better team player, since I'm still under the illusion that I'm the star player of some unknown (and completely fictional) game of "Who has the biggest issues in life?"

3. What if I wasn't born as smart as I am?
      Okay, first off there are many definitions to the word "intelligence." But as always, I'm talking about my brand of smarts. What if I didn't have wit? What would I be without my ability to weave words into coherent thoughts? What if I wasn't the voracious reader that I am? I would probably be more humble and less judgmental (or not).

      Would I trade my brain for a less intelligent, but also less problematic and more reliable center of expression? Probably, if it means an easier path to staying happy and content. But that's a lie that assumes there is truth to the arrogant notion of "dumb people are happier because they don't think as much and as deeply as smart people." As usual, I am undecided on this matter.

Yeah men, Jersey Shore is the best show ever.

4. What if I was more of an asshole?
       This isn't something I aspire to be. But with all the articles I've read on how and why douchebags tend to be more successful, I can't help but wonder if that's the missing piece in what I still believe to be my wasted potential. And it's not just a matter of reading these things and assuming they're correct, I have seen first hand the countless times wherein the "bad" guy gets his way, and boy, is the bastard proud.

       There's a saying that "good guys finish last" and seeing as how Willie Revillame, The Situation and Kanye West seem to be doing quite well, I'm inclined to believe that one day, no gentlemen would be left on Earth.

       I'm not by any means the traditional gentleman, but at the very least I'm not out there giving my full effort to banging girls and pissing off colleagues. And somehow, my behavior is mocked because it's in contrast to the assumed image that people have of me. I guess that's just the way it goes when people think you're cool when you know you're not.

      Personally I hate to imagine what I would be like as an asshole. I would totally be beaten up, and wouldn't even have the level of success comparable to lowlifes such as that Carabuena guy.
Yep, this is what douchebag me would look like. Every single day.
5. What would have happened if I had gotten in a different university?
      Realistically speaking, the only other place I would have wound up was at UP, since I didn't take the entrance exams to Ateneo and La Salle. I’m mostly happy with how things went at good old UST, but I can’t help but imagine how different I might have been if I had gone to another school.

       I guess it’s human nature to assume the grass is always greener (or bluer) on the other side. I know for a fact that a degree from Diliman, Katipunan or Taft makes it a hell of a lot easier to land a good job. Not to mention, the network of contacts it can provide you will come in handy if you just know how to utilize them.

       Ah, but I digress. The fact is, I’m perfectly happy with the wonderful people I’ve come to know as friends. For better or worse, we all met at the right place at the right time, under the right circumstances. I should just be grateful I’m not the semi antisocial bookworm I used to be as a kid. And besides, I'm not sure I would mix well into the elitist crowd of Ateneo and La Salle anyway. (disclaimer: I have friends from both schools, I'm just generalizing a bit here.)

6. What if I was more willing to fail?

     No one knows me better than myself. I hate failing. Especially at things I know I'm good at. I've lived my life coasting on my considerable natural abilities, and so far I have gotten mixed results. At some point, my willingness to work hard must match, if not exceed my talents.

     During one of my random inspirational reading sessions, I learned this: winners hate losing, but the threat of failure never stopped them from trying. And that is something I am now trying to incorporate into my life, but it's always easier said than done.

     I still tend to avoid situations wherein I am placed with the burden of being the one who is solely responsible should something go wrong. I found out that that is virtually impossible to remain that way in the real world. Not that I don't take some risks, but I have so far stayed relatively conservative.

    But the fact is, you will inevitably fail at one point, and if you're lucky you will fail horribly. Why did I say lucky? Since failing big time throws you into rock-bottom, you have nowhere else to go but up. I have this weird sentiment where I almost want to fail, just to see if it will change my way of thinking; but at the same time, self-preservation kicks in and tells me no way. At the and of day, it's much more comfortable to stick with established habits, even when they're doing more harm than good.
Exactly like my other bad habit.
   Ok, I'm going off-course again. I have a lot more what ifs to list down, but I'll leave that for another time. Or may be not, since this whole post has been far too honest already. So goodbye, thanks for reading and I hope you sleep better at night than I do.

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