Friday, November 2, 2012

5 Superpowers I Wish I Had (And the Stupid Things I'd do with them)

I just watched Chronicle last night, and it was great. For those who are unfamiliar with the movie, it's a great take on the real world consequences of having God-like superpowers. I won't spoil the details, but it can get very nasty when such power is granted upon normal people. Particularly when it's a messed up, socially awkward teenager.
It's a shame this movie didn't do nearly as well as the crapfest that is Green Lantern.
Now I'm not (usually) awkward, and it has been a few years since I've been a teen myself, but it got me thinking: what superpowers would I really want to have?  How would I use them? Would I be a hero? But most importantly, how long can I abuse these gifts before I either get jailed or killed by world governments?

This is of course such an overwritten topic, but I'd like to change things up a little by only putting the powers that would appeal the most to me. For instance, it would be really nice if:

1. I Could Pull Out Great Ideas Out of My Head On A Whim (And Execute Them Well Too)
Every artist seeks to create something truly unique. It is what defines them and their work. So imagine if you could create works of art in any medium that would be universally (or at least by your peers and idols) considered ground-breaking and just plain awesome.

In my case, I would love to be a total legend in any art form I choose. I'll write books that could rival the best of Rice, Gaiman, King and Rowling. I'll make Tarantino, Nolan, Aronofsky, and Spielberg fans of my movies.
No, Michael Bay, you can't party with us. Your movies are terrible and you should be ashamed.
I'll even be best buds and tourmates with the guys from Florence and the Machine, Go Radio, Incubus, Jedi Mind Tricks, Iron Maiden, and Metallica. On the weekends, just for fun, I'll create paintings that sell for more money than any Picasso, Da Vinci, Rembrandt, or Van Gogh.

Heck, I can even design gadgets that would make James Bond, Tony Stark, Steve Jobs, and Bruce Wayne green with envy.

2. I Am The Ultimate Athlete.
All because it would be really cool to dunk on Lebron's smug ass, beat up Manny Pacquiao and Anderson Silva at the same time, and outrun Usain Bolt like he was a paraplegic. If I ever run out of top athletes to pick on, I'll be the ultimate champion on Man vs. Beast. I'll make sharks embarrassed to swim beside me, and bears will piss their furry selves at the mere sight of my shadow.
In short, I will be what the internet thinks Chuck Norris is.
3. Say the perfect things at the perfect time every single time.
If you watch Suits, House or Entourage, you are probably constantly amazed at how witty and hilarious the lines of Harvey Specter, Dr. House and Ari Gold are. They just know how to spit the literary equivalent of gold. Each and every single time, to boot!

If I could have the combined conversational prowess of these three fictional badasses, I would pretty much be the most awesome person on earth. Either that, or the most unpleasant person to have a conversation with on the planet. But that won't matter, because I'll have the perfect comeback to any detractor or critic that dares to find out what it feels to be psychologically raped by my unbelievably clever words.

4. Make People See Other People for What They Really Are (Includes Me)
We live in a world where image is everything. I believe that needs to change. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to truly know a person with just one look? I do. A lot.
However, you don't need my power to know he's a scumbag.
If I could have this power, plenty of beautiful people would suddenly seem ugly. No one will have to deal with scumbags anymore, since they'll be avoiding them before they turn into their friends. We won't have to worry about telling secrets to the wrong people anymore, because we'll know immediately who are the assholes that'll tell.

And yes, for the romantics at heart, they'll know at a glance if their crush/gf/bf is worth it or just another entry in a long list of mistakes that includes liking Lady Gaga songs and wearing secondhand underwear.

5. Be God
Pretty self-explanatory, but the difference lies in my reasons for wanting to be so. You see, I have some issues with the way people view and treat God. I hate how people can be such bigots and have the gall to attend mass. I hate how when things are going great, you are expected to praise God, but when things are horrible, he has a plan for you (or my personal favorite: it's just a test). But most of all, I hate the idea of hell.

What's the point of free will if you are expected to only do good all the time? I'm not saying you should go out and rape, torture and kill someone, but I seriously cannot imagine a loving God who will allow any of his children to burn for eternity for not being the people he wanted them to be.

It's like giving a child a room full of toys and telling him he can pick anything he wants, as long as it's the ones you tell him to. If the kid picks more of the stuff he doesn't approve of, he gets punished.

LOLs. Greatest joke of all time.

So if I could by any chance become the being whose very existence I constantly question, the first thing I'd do is tell people to stop worshiping me, because it is not conditional to having a good life, and will not in itself make them a better person. Good deeds make you good, not the act of going to mass, saying your prayers and going to confession.

I would then abolish all religions, make people forget about the very concept of omnipotent beings who love you but will punish you severely for not living up to their standards, and make sure no harm befalls upon puppies and other cute animals.

Oh and the concept (or existence) of heaven and hell would be gone too. And I'd go down to earth once in a while to see if people are still being assholes despite of all the things I mentioned above. I'll instantly smite anyone who might be causing evil by spreading stupid shit like racism, homophobia and androgynous Korean boybands.

But if I do that, that would make me almost as ridiculous as the present concept of God that I know and hate, right? So what do I do?

Simple; I'll do everything in my power to give people the happiest lives they'll ever have, then I'll end the passage of time. They'll be kept in an eternal cycle of that bliss, where they will know no pain, agony, suffering, or stupid torture porn movies, because that's what everyone wants anyway.

And when I can no longer stomach what I've done, I'll end that unending circle of rainbows and butterflies.

In fact, I'll end everything and every one. I'll do it because I love them, and I can't stand to see my greatest creations reduced to beings with no complete freedom. Because no matter how offensive their freedoms are to me, it was my own damn fault for giving that to them in the first place while expecting them to choose only what I want them to be.

So if there is any God at all, is it any wonder why he doesn't seem to want to get involved in the messed-up affairs of his favorite children? Did he create us, or did we create him? But more importantly, how did this originally light and fun post turn into a goddamned theological rant?

That is why on second thought, I actually don't want to be God anymore. How can I trust myself with that power when I can't even keep this article on point?

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