Sunday, November 25, 2012

The 10 Books I Want to Write One Day

They say you always remember your first. But in my case, I really can't remember the first book I've ever read. What I can say with utter confidence is which book(s) really got me into reading. A lot.

The nostalgia is just insane
Yes, it's the Goosebumps series that really got me hooked into reading. It opened up worlds in my mind and broadened my imagination far beyond what is expected of most 9 year olds. Before I was reading J.K. Rowling and Neil Gaiman, I was a hardcore R.L. Stein fan.  

Funny thing was, Goosebumps wasn't really scary. Not even a little. But it was entertaining and wildly imaginative, despite its cliches and occasional predictability.

My point is, every writer starts out by being a reader. As time passes and my mind grows, I've come to appreciate the literary arts more and more. And someday, I want to write a novel I can be proud of, even if it sells just 10 copies. 

So here are the books I hope to bring into this world, if I should be so lucky:

1) An epic novel featuring the most unlikely heroes of all: a dysfunctional family of suburban dwelling Pinoys. Think of it like the world of Alexandra Trese, except that the hero has balls, too may cats and mommy issues. The sidekick is his twin sister who is a genius level drug addict with a penchant for shooting first before asking later. 

Their nemesis? I haven't decided yet if it's going to be a warlord who owns a grotesque chain of dimsum restaurants or an all powerful nature element trapped in the most unlikely body; a tarsier's. I am completely serious with this.

2) The Complete Guide to Wasting Your Full Potential. This is just my autobiography thinly disguised as a self-help book. 

3) An erotic novel in which the hero is an idealized version of me. His love interest are two girls who are best friends, and their descriptions may or may not be eerily similar to Solenn Heussaff and Georgina Wilson. 
In case you haven't noticed yet, I am absolutely obsessed with these two.
It will be my local answer to"Fifty Shades of Grey" and I will not even make any effort to disguise the fact that I will be writing this novel with equal parts glee, satire and disgust. And yes, my full  intention is to make at least half of the money that E.L. James made writing that despicable trilogy. Needless to say, I'll be using a pseudonym since I will be disowning this piece of work regardless of whether it succeeds or not.
4) Write an original story for Neil Gaiman's Sandman. And since I'm overly ambitious and utterly delusional, I want to do the art for it too. It will probably be the most horrible piece of comic book fiction ever written, but at least I'll go down in history for creating a universally loathed literary monstrosity.

5) Create my own what-the-hell-is-this-crap graphic novel. The protagonist is a ghost who was killed before he can warn his lover of an approaching disaster. Luckily for him, his best friend is still alive, and he can possess his body anytime to warn her of the coming danger. 

The problem is, his best friend isn't human, it's a goddamned pug named Choc-balls (guess why he's named that!). He's a fat dog who despises moving and is addicted to humping fire hydrants. Can he save her before it's too late? Will their love burn on despite the complications? Can I write such a book without losing my sanity? Only time will tell.

6) A Guide to Manila's Best Hole-In-The-Wall Eateries. Because I just hate pretentious places with their overpriced food and snobby socialite clienteles. 

7) A semi-fiction novel which stars some of the people I know in real life. Their names and appearances will be changed, but their quirks and other defining characteristics will remain intact. My depictions of them will be neither apologetic or exaggerated, and still, the critics will praise them for being impossibly unreal yet utterly entertaining.

Once the inspirations for these characters read the book, they will instantly realize it's them and will probably proceed to sue me for every last centavo I own. Either that, or they'll ask me to make it a series, but with their suggested plot points in place. I'll lose interest soon after.

8) An Alcoholic's Cookbook. This will contain all original food recipes that is divided into 4 categories: Food for pulutan, Food you can make while drunk, Food that will get you drunk, and borderline inedible concoctions I've ever had the misfortune of creating while experimenting in the kitchen. If you were ever curious as to how mixing unlikely viands like tinola and champorado taste like, look no further.
9) How My Favorite Movies Should Have Ended. Nothing irks me more than a great movie having a crappy ending. So pardon my totally unwarranted arrogance for even suggesting toying around with the iconic endings of great movies like Full Metal Jacket, Citizen Kane, Inception and Requiem for a Dream. 

Hell, I'll even go downright crazy and tie up movies that shouldn't be set on the same time and space. Imagine if Avatar ended with Jake Sully waking up alongside Dom Cobb. Or Jason Bourne getting into a fist fight with John McClane. The possibilities are endless! Unfortunately, the publishing rejections will undoubtedly be endless too.

10) Everything I Ever Learned While Pretending To Be a Great Writer. A partial autobiography mixed with my best (or worst, depending on the reader) drunken theories followed by brutally honest, sober realizations. I am hoping it will be the first international non-fiction bestseller from a Filipino author. Too bad I'm the only one who'll be interested in reading it.

Before some hipster calls me out for Sotto-ing, let me admit that this post was totally inspired from the work of one of my local idols, Jessica Zafra. Here's a link: 

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