Thursday, December 13, 2012

7 Things I'd Do In Case The World Ends Next Week

First off, let me just say this: No, I don't believe the world will end on the 21st of December. However, you all know how some people have taken recent occurrences to be a sign of the end times. You have the monsoon rains that flooded Manila once again, the recent assault of Typhoon Bopha (Pablo in local speak), and Manny Pacquiao just got KTFO. Truly, the weak-minded have every right to be scared.

The best example of all things coming to an end.
But you never know. There are scarier things out there in the grand scheme of the universe that are worse than the Mayan prediction of doom. In a blink of an eye, there are multiple ways our world can end without warning. So in case that might happen say in the next week or two, here's a checklist of things I'd do right now, before we all follow the fate of the dinosaurs.


1. Spend all my money
Just not sure yet where to start. Do I finally get those graphic novels that I've always believed to be way overpriced? Or go to the best restaurants I know and order the most expensive things they have on the menu? One thing's for sure though, I'll be sure to greet the end of times wearing a ridiculously dapper suit.

2. Bone someone
With an apocalypse looming, almost anyone will do. If I still (and most probably will) fail to do so under the pressure of the doom clock counting down, then it's time to resort to uhm, "more questionable" means. I leave the interpretation of that statement to you. Hint: Celebrities and other attractive non showbiz people better batten down the hatches.
Conscience be damned if I find you like this.
3. Run around naked
How funny would it be to be running around the city with my junk flailing around the air? Very. For me, at least. Everyone else would be traumatized. To really freak people out, I'd also steal a latte from those social climbers hanging out at Starbucks and piss in front of a store's display window while singing "The Final Countdown."

4. Be brutally honest with everyone
There's a reason people lie all the time, and it's usually because either we don't want to offend people, or the truth is just too inconvenient. But if I knew that the world was ending, then I couldn't be bothered to lie anymore. I'll tell people exactly what I think of them, which can be either the best or worst thing I'll do in this list.

5. Drown myself in all the media I've been missing on.
It seems a waste of my limited time, but I'd still want to read all the books I told myself that I would. Same goes for TV shows and movies. There's just so much joy waiting to be discovered in the fictional world, and so little time to pursue them. But if I had to choose between dying with a book in my hand and having a hot girl on my bed, then I'd definitely go for the latter.

6. Get a Stupid Tattoo
Why would I even bother creating and justifying a great tattoo, when I could just find a really stupid one that's good for around three laughs from random strangers? Since I also plan to run around naked, it would be even better if they were to see Kanye West and Jay Z with the caption "Ball So Hard" on my ass? How about Osama Bin Laden near my crotch, with my pubes as his beard? Oh wait, that's been done before.
Aha! Tis' perfect!
7. Make things right
Despite all the magnificent douchebaggery I've listed so far, at my core, I just can't leave the world and the people I love with those awful memories. So even though I've decided to embark on some really ostentatious behavior, I would still make the genuine effort to reach out and try to make things right. I'll say sorry to everyone I've ever wronged, and will make amends the way I see fit.

Why? Because if the world does end, and it turns out there is a God and an afterlife, I do not want to have to explain why I believe I should be granted entry into Paradise. I heard Hell's a better place anyway, and they have already reserved me a seat into the VIP section. See you all there.

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