Saturday, February 9, 2013

4 Dangerously Fun Things For Cynical Singles To Do This Valentine's

The month of February is notorious for bringing the most despised holiday of single people. It is especially annoying for people like me, as we get tormented annually for being single since birth. Somehow, that makes us complete failures as far as society is concerned.

While I don't really mind people's assumptions of me having a dark, gaping void in my life, I do mind the ridiculousness of some people who have an unnatural amount of enthusiasm for V-day. You know those types; people so unabashedly proud to not be a societal "failure" that they just have to obnoxiously broadcast how utterly, genuinely, incomparably happy they are.

Now I know this sounds like the bitter confessions of a loveless, soulless bastard, but hear me out. I can't be the only one who wants to...

1. Throw Up at Lovers Who Wear Couple Shirts 
Really? REALLY?!
Whoever thought of this abominable concept should be shot. In the head. With a bazooka. To this day, I am baffled as to why there are still people who support this crime against good taste.

I suspect that the very people who make this shit probably have the same post-completion guilt as a hooker who agreed to perform ATM. Don't ask what that is. Just know that it is disgusting, and that no amount of cleansing could possibly wash that feeling of indescribable filth.

Puking at people who wear these is especially fun because not only will you really ruin their day, you also get to literally defile their expression of love. In a perfect world, I'll be given a medal for making everyone else realize that this sickening gimmick should be treated exactly like it should be--a dirty public toilet for drunks.

2. Throw an Angry Cat at PDA Junkies
Get a room. Please.
It's one thing to be sweetly affectionate in public, and a completely different matter trading pubic lice in front of school children. If I wanted to see clothed people clumsily attempting to bump uglies in public, then I would have gone to a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu gym, because at least it wouldn't be nearly as awkward staring at them while shouting "lift your right leg!"

Sorry cat lovers, but to disrupt this unsightly phenomenon, bad actions against your favorite plush toys have to be made. And besides, if my suspicions about cats are correct, they would already be sharpening their nasty little claws the moment they smell unchecked lust hormones in the air. The only way I can make them any more dangerous is if I shit in their litter box while imitating their mating calls on a microphone.

And remember, cats have a reputation for popping in at the most inconvenient of times. Surely, no one would be too shocked to find a pissed, horny feline wildly thrashing and scratching its way into probably the most awkward cat on people exhibitionist threesome in history.
Surprise, mothafuckaaas!!!

3. Barricade the Entrance of a Motel
Game over, horndogs.
There is probably nothing more annoying for pheromone fueled humans than to see their hopes of getting laid get squashed in spectacular fashion. If only it wasn't illegal, it would really be fun putting an impassable barricade in front of a popular motel.

I believe the reason no one has done this yet is because no one wants to be the one standing in the way of people emotionally charged with mind-altering levels of lust. After all, convicts get gang raped for precisely the same reason. The only difference is that in prison, it only takes dropping a bar of soap to get the juices flowing.

As to how much of an annoyance I can actually cause with this, probably only a little. In fact, this is probably the lamest entry in this list. With so many motels in the Metro offering their own Valentine's Day promos, it would probably be more effective to...

4. Call In a Bomb Threat to an Entire Strip of Motels 

Not that people will be in a hurry to get out, though. If they're already in the middle of a heated DNA swap session, I doubt they'll even hear the safety announcement over the PA.

The real joy is for those who actually value their lives over anyone else. I'd love to see a guy running out wearing only a towel, with his also half-naked partner behind him screaming, "Teka, mag-antay ka nga, puta!"

At which point, I'll be ready with a flashlight and video recorder. I'll pose as a citizen journalist, and attempt with a straight face to convince them to give an interview. I don't expect they will, but if for some reason they're as meat-headed as most of the people who audition for Pinoy Big Brother, my first question would be, "Ano po ang ginagawa ninyo nung mangyari ang insidente?"

Needless to say, I'll probably get punched. Or more likely, end up in jail. And only then will I ask myself why I thought these were all good ideas in the first place. The answer is simple, really.

Because I really hate Valentine's Day.

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